Friday, October 10, 2014

Missing someone

It's been awhile..

A lot has happened since my last blog post. In December we moved back to Kerteh,  bought a house, stayed in a home stay for a few months, renovated the house, went on trips, had birthdays and Eids and got pregnant =) It was a much awaited pregnancy.

I was pregnant the year before but wasn't ready for a baby just yet. Maya was still pretty much a baby that time. It ended up as a blighted ovum, the baby never grew and somehow I was relieved. At around 12 weeks my body naturally miscarried but I had to get a D & C as the sac was still there. Even though I wasn't ready for the baby I remembered how I felt when the Muslim lady doctor offered me pills to make me miscarry. I could've slapped her!!

Life is precious and people shouldn't be playing God

After the D&C life continued as before, some tears were shed but I was pretty much ok. The only change was that I had to put the pregnancy books I was reading with Sumayya back into the closet.

Then we got really busy with moving and kids changing schools. Life was a chaos when we moved to Kerteh as the previous owner of the house that we bought changed his plans and didn't empty the house as planned. When we finally settled into the house after the move from homestays to hotels and back to the house we realized Maya's already a big girl. We felt it was time for a new addition to the family =) Of course Salma wanted a cat but we had a baby in mind.

Soon after we got pregnant! Alhamdulillah we were really happy! Hanan was excited, Maya didn't want a baby to replace her and Salma was in her own world.

What was happy news then turned to being a stressful experience, I was spotting all the time. I thought I was going to lose the pregnancy and that worried me. Sometime before Raya blood came pouring out and I even had to wear pads! I was confident that there wasn't going to be a heartbeat. I was heartbroken.

We went to the nearest Klinik Kesihatan and the doctor who did the ultrasound said she couldn't see the heartbeat and if I wanted to seek a second opinion that I go to the nearest hospital. In my heart I was resigned to whatever that was to happen. So when we saw the heartbeat at the hospital I burst out crying. Overjoyed and relieved, I had hoped that the stressful situation would be over soon.  I was told to take progesterone as a precaution, the doctor said progesterone deficiency might be causing the bleeding but it won't stop a miscarriage from happening, if it was to happen, it will happen.

So I was on Duphaston tablet 3 times a day until the 14th week of pregnancy. During the 11th week the bleeding had gone away completely. Before, I was told I also had GBS so I had to take antibiotics that was making me super miserable. I was vomiting at least once a day even though in all my previous pregnancies I never vomited even once. I was so miserable that even before the 14th week I've lowered the Dupahston to two then 1 pill a day as I thought it was making me sick. I also couldn't stomach the multivitamin and sometimes missed my dose of folic acid. I thought people who had terrible morning sickness end up getting healthy babies so a missed dose of this and that won't harm my baby.

During the 15th week I felt normal, we went on a trip to Kelantan. We had fun there, Aishah came along.

After the trip I went to the Klinik Kesihatan to finally register my pregnancy. Throughout the pregnancy I've felt miserable and couldn't imagine spending hours at the gov. clinic for the red book. So finally when I felt healthy we ended up spending 3 hours at the clinic! Dekat wall it said 60mins ye :P So after the 3 hours the doctor refused to see me as there was too many patients. I was told to come the following week for an ultrasound.

During the weekend we went back to KL for a relative's wedding. It was a really short trip and on the way back my back was killing me.

When we arrived home I saw some bloody discharge. I was stressed out but I didn't want to worry too much about it so I just waited for my appointment on Tuesday.

Hadi had taken time off work as he also had to be at the clinic for the madatory HIV test. He was on the phone for work when I was called into the doctor's office.

The doctor swiftly performed the ultrasound, I was surprised that they have a good machine. Everything was super clear, without even the doctor saying anything I could tell there was something wrong with my baby. I would've been 17 weeks along the following day. I could tell that the baby wasn't moving, don't babies move a little bit all the time? And I couldn't see the heartbeat. It was as if someone was tearing at my gut with a knife. I was so shocked and pained, I went out of the room crying when the doctor confirmed that my baby was dead.

I was sobbing when I got to Hadi, he was even more shocked. I cried all the way to the hospital in Kuantan. My head hurt and I didn't want to cry anymore. I kept asking Allah for forgiveness, to make me strong, to love me, to make me redha. I know what I saw but Hadi was still in denial. He couldn't accept it just yet, he was hoping to get a different outcome at this hospital as we did the first time after the Raya bleeding.

The second ultrasound confirmed that our baby didn't have a heartbeat. Doctor estimated the baby's size to be around 15 weeks so it had been awhile. All sorts of questions keep coming out, what happened, what could've caused this to happen, did I not take enough of the progesterone, did I not take enough vitamins, Hadi asked me if I had fallen or carried something too heavy. Arghh, all these questions kept spinning in my head, making my head hurt. The doctor gave us the option whether to start with the procedure or let the miscarriage happen naturally which could take a while to happen. We were still dazed and pained that we couldn't decide. I know I don't want to be carrying a dead baby but we were just not ready for the next step. So the doctor suggested we go home for a couple days to take time to absorb everything and come back to the hospital for the procedure.

I'm glad that we took that option, the two days were spent crying and making ourselves redha with was had happened. Hanan was the most affected of all the children. Maya didn't really understand and Salma was being Salma.

Since the pregnancy was already in the second trimester, I couldn't have a D&C but I was to be induced for labor. I spent time reading of other people's experiences with it and it scared me. I wasn't ready for all this. The doctor said it could take days, for some women the medication works fast and some would have to stop and come again in a week's time to try again. I was hoping to get it over as soon as possible. In the hospital we were told that we were to birth the baby ourselves and to call for help if we needed help. Whattttt?

I was numb and the highlights of my days were Baskin Robbin's ice cream cones. 

There was a little bit more crying but not much. We've accepted that things happen for a reason and that Allah is the best of Planners. There could be something good in this that we do not know yet.

The dcotor gave me a single Cytotec pill the first night. Two more the next day plus 3 doses of Cervagem. It was the day of Arafah so I kept praying for the process to be pain free, to ease this hardship and for us not to be sad.

At around 1am I was woken up from my sleep because of period like cramps. It was the first time I didn't take the painkiller as there was never any pain pun before, I was just following the nurse's order but that night the doctor told me not to take it unless I was in pain. I didn't feel comfortable so I decided to go to the bathroom to pee. Halfway to the bathroom I felt like a balloon was coming out of my v*gina. Then I saw my cute baby for the first time

There were no tears during the whole process, we were just happy that everything went smoothly without any complications.

Everyday I grieve for my baby boy. Everytime I'll let a little bit of tears out but I'll always tell myself to stop.

MashaAllah, indeed this world and whatever in it is a loan from Allah

‘Surely we belong to Allah and to Him shall we return’

Baby Abd Rahman bin Husswan Hadi 

Abu Musa al-Ashari reported that the Prophet Muhammad ( صلى الله عليه وسلم) said, “When a son of a servant of Allah dies, Allah Says to the angels, ‘Have you taken the son of My servant?’ They say, ‘Yes.’ Then Allah Says, ‘Have you taken the fruit of his heart?’ They say, ‘Yes.’ Allah Says, “What has My servant said?’ They say, ‘He has praised You and said, Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji’un (To Allah we belong and to Him is our return). Then Allah Says, ‘Build a house for My servant in Paradise and call it the house of praise.’ From Tirmidhi, Musnad Ahmad and ibn Habban


Nurul Ulfa said...

hi suria..dah lama tak read blogs..tiba2 today terasa nak buka blog and read your post...rasanya before this i ada bergurau dengan you about giving a prince to your princess...i am deeply sorry if ada buat u sedih did'nt know you were having complication in your pregnancy...sorry to hear the news...the only thing that i can say is Allah's plan is always perfect and there is goodness in all...may Allah reward you and your husband and ease the pain for both of you...innalilahhiwainahirojiun... one of your child is in heavan day you and your family will be together with him...

suria said...

takpe ulfa, no worries =)

tq for your kind words, kena terima qada & qadar